Make Measles Great Again.
Canberra's loser list. And more...
Ahoy.
It’s been one whole week since Trump won the US election and the world hasn’t ended—YET. But he doesn’t take office until January 20 so if you’ve ever used abstract pronouns, there’s time to run for the hills before the trials begin.
I made a joke about drinking MAGAritas last week, but for anyone (else) who took that too seriously, I’m not a Trumpster. I actually drank beer like the gender repressed male I grew up to be.
ATWIED is apolitical—right down the middle—but make no mistake: I would vote for anyone willing to exterminate the run club that’s taken over my bay walk.
Picture: RFK (right), the new head of the US Department of Health.
Make Measles Great Again.
America
Make measles great again → I called it a week in advance, so you know this newsletter is onto something. Trump announced on Friday Robert F. Kennedy Jnr will be the next US Secretary of Health. For those playing along, that’s the antivaxx guy with the brain worm who dumped a bear corpse in New York Central Park.
RFK has previously warned Wi-Fi causes “leaky brain”, antidepressants cause school shootings, water chemicals turn kids transgender and AIDS may not be caused by HIV. But boy, what a body! He’s a 70 year old man with a six pack, so maybe the key to solving the US obesity crisis IS brain worms. Watch this space.
Trump also named Tulsi Gabbard his director of national intelligence. That’s the woman who told Putin, Biden and Zelensky to “put geopolitics aside and embrace the spirit of aloha, respect and love”.
Elon Musk — the autistic guy with nine million kids and who landed a spaceship on a chopstick — is taking on the Department of Government Efficiency. After he fired 80 per cent of Twitter staff, the US Board on Geographic Names and the Bureau of Outdoor Recreation have begun packing their rucksacks.
Matt Gaetz was named the attorney general despite only two years of law practice, while the rest of his qualification comes from causing mischief as Robbie Rotten on Lazytown, by the look of him. He might just end up in charge of the same department that investigated him for sexual misconduct.
Lastly, Marco Rubio has been named secretary of state. It’s the only pick that hasn’t quaked the army boots off voters on the left—at least not right away.
All of these are subject to senate approval but if things go ahead like this, the newsletter will write itself each week. Praise be.
Australia
The Who’s Who of Canberra’s Loser Club → Popularity polls are brutal. All the nerdy student politics kids who didn’t register on the high school popularity radar get their time in the limelight
Independent Senator Lidia Thorpe won Most Unlikeable federal politician after her royal tantrum directed at King Charles. It was also revealed she pledged allegiance to the Queen's Hairs not Heirs, which honestly, I loved. But it didn’t nothing to prevent her winning Canberra’s unpopularity competition.
Second place was One Nation’s Pauline Hanson, a week after she cried for the consequences of her telling Mehreen Faruqi to “piss off back to Pakistan”.
Third place was Greens Leader Adam Bandt who recently felt the heat for simultaneously calling himself Robin Hood but also using Qantas’ exclusive Chairman’s Lounge and booking private jets with taxpayer money. To be fair, Robin Hood probably took a little off the top too. It’s an unwritten rule that if you find a wallet, you get to keep a tenner. Isn’t it?
South America
The Colombian Job → Deep beneath the surface of Colombia's richest gold mine, Uriticá, is ground zero for the country’s real life Italian Job. Private security guards armed with hope are cowering behind sandbags, defending against a drug cartel that’s turned 48 kilometres of mine tunnels into their personal treasure trove.
There are 2,000 “rebel miners” from Clan del Golfo working around the clock to loot 3.2 tons of gold worth $200 million – a shiny 38 per cent of the mine’s annual output.
Zijin Mining Group, a Chinese state-owned company that owns the mine, reports that Clan del Golfo, a militia moonlighting as mining consultants, supplies everything from shovels to protection services. Is Trump pulling the strings of Clan del Golfo to undermine China?… Clan del Golfo? Golfo? Golf? Coincidence? I think not.
Middle East
You have got to be kidding → Last week, I wrote that Trump was going to solve the Middle East crisis on his first day. And, because I definitely wasn’t joking, I’m two from two on weekly predictions. Here’s what happened:
“A close associate of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told Donald Trump and Jared Kushner this week that Israel is fast-tracking a cease-fire agreement in Lebanon,” the Washington Post reported.
Israel’s Minister of Strategic Affairs, Ron Dermer, has since been to Mar-a-Lago and Washington. Trump is running the world like it’s an episode of The Apprentice and for the moment, god damn it, it’s working. I don’t think it’ll last, but you’d be a fool not to hope it does.
Antarctica
Why did the Antarctic squid start a journal? → To record its ink-credible adventures.